| If I could write I'd set all the words free to follow you; |
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| Hark! The Herald Embittered Naysayers! |
[23 11 08 ] |
I don't get the big deal that is hating the holidays. The bitching and complaining that surrounds the start of worldwide commercialism at it's best.
The last statement might sounds cynical, but we all know it's true. There's nothing more commercial than Christmas. What in the world does that have to do with enjoying it, or even ignoring it?
It's one holiday, yes, it's everywhere for about a month and a half, quite unavoidable.
But that's all it is, a passing season, another mark in time, that comes, goes and is gone for another 365 days.
Why is every little aspect of it a big deal? Well they start the music too early. Avoid the radio, listen to CDs, no one really does either of those anymore anyway. But they're playing it in stores now too, oh my god, kill me! I can't escape! I might actually suffer of cardiac arrest right here, right now! Honestly? Seriously? Most people are too self centered to actually hear any of the music being played around them. And if they honestly, really do, what's the big deal? It's music. I don't like rap or country or oldies, and they're played 365 days a year, I'm not really complaining.
You don't understand, I might actually have to think about someone other than myself for 5 seconds and purchase a gift for them. A gift they're not even going to appreciate anyway! Nothing's ever good enough! And I don't have the money! Stressing yourself out over a gift that, yeah, you're right the person isn't even going to appreciate is a terrible idea. So either go into it with the attitude of "I love this person, and want to purchase them something that shows I care and thought about them, and if THEY don't appreciate that, their loss, I did a good thing" or don't go into it at all. Our economy and wallets don't support wasteful spending to fill unfillable voids. Everyone should understand that. If you don't have the money. You don't.
Yeah, but my family is really dysfunctional. Mine too, go figure. I've spent half my life wondering why all our holidays had to be screwy because of one family member or another. Doesn't mean you can't enjoy the wonder of the season among friends, or even by yourself. I used to decorate my own room, buy my own CDs, just because no one else seemed to appreciate the season didn't mean I had to join their pity party. Use "being alone" as an excuse to go out and meet new people, instead of wallowing. Who really wants to live their life like that?
I'm really depressed though, everyone has someone but me. Relationships really aren't all they're cracked up to be. You could have someone living halfway across the world, someone in the war, yeah I bet it's so great to belong to someone then. If you're sitting around moping that you don't have someone, you're probably not mature enough to be in a relationship anyway, as well as you're probably driving people away, even friends. Back to the being alone, point. Enjoy what you have, be patient for what you don't. Good things come to those who wait. Those we don't spend their time with increasing misery and loneliness and drugs to "make you normal." Which, by the way, you don't need.
Bottom line is we probably all have warm houses to live in, enough food to sustain us, some decent friends and family, and a probable abundance of things we don't need anyway. You're on the internet right now, right? Letting petty stupid, commercial things get in the way of enjoying your day-to-day life is psychotic. It's not what the season is about anyway. But who cares about that anymore?
I'm done babying people. I'm suck of letting them fall into bad habits that never make them grow. I'm cutting out all the people that only drag me down, never listen to advice, just want to sit in their own misery and let me sink to their level of cynicism and bitterness, and just letting go, editing out the ones who simply don't seem to care. I'm going to enjoy my life, and my holidays.
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| Thank heavens, |
[21 11 08 ] |
Thanksgiving always feels this way. For me, anyway. It always feels like all the people you love are all grouped in one place, not far out of reach, where you can look at them, interact with them, enjoy them, admire them, evaluate them, but mostly just appreciate them. I always remember growing up and lying in bed around the holidays listening to the sounds of the people in my house, and being comforted by everything, the blanket I was tucked in with, the one mom made. The bookshelves above my bed, the ones that dad made. The barbie doll in the corner, the one my sister bought me. The cross-stitch bib (that I never finished) for my nephew. My Gram's perfume in the other room. And just thinking "God, I love these people, and they're all here and I can sleep soundly not having to worry about or miss a single one of them."
That feeling keeps creeping back up on me. Quickly followed by the aching, ha, the aching that comes from places in my body I didn't even know I had. The ache that comes from knowing that when you grow up... that whole fuzzy feeling goes totally bogus. You get older and people die. You get older and love people you can't reach. You get older and estrange yourself from people you care about.
It's never been so bad as this year. Just wanting to only and completely just see that side of the holidays that does include having the people you have, but getting that tremendous nagging, guilty feeling of not quite being able to enjoy all of it. You just can't quite fit everyone where you want them to be, where you are. They become unreachable. Covered over with stone and dirt and snow. Separated by time and money and ocean and land. Blocked off by pride and guilt an the inability to say "I'm sorry."
I don't know what the remedy is. You can't bring someone back to life. You can't fix the distance. And you can't make someone forgive you.
I suppose, however, you can remember the time you had with that person. You can cherish "spending time" with that person in whatever way you can, however small. You can rest easy knowing you did what could to fix the hurt in the situation, stop inflicting it, forgive it, say sorry and wait.
Does anyone really think any of those things work?
Bullshit, probably.
I know, I know. I know.
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| how can i catch up when i still want you? |
[11 11 08 ] |
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Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess. And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys. You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget. And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
There's a corner of your heart just for me.
I will pack my bags just to stay in the corner of your heart.
Just to stay in the corner of your heart.
There is room beneath your bed for me.
There is room beneath your bed just for me.
I will leave this town just to sleep underneath your bed.
Just to sleep underneath your bed. There's one minute of your day.
There's one minute of your day.
I will leave this man just to occupy one minute of your day.
Just to occupy one minute of your day. Just to sleep underneath your bed. Just to stay in the corner of you heart.
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| The times they are a-changin'. |
[05 11 08 ] |
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 melancholy |
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I still live in the greatest country in the world; regardless.
I got to have my say, didn't I? At least we get that much.
I'm not ignorant by any means, I just have views different than those on what you might call the "winning team." But if a view is different it is obviously wrong and uneducated.
The presidential matter is a not a race issue for me, he could be any color and I'd still question his ability to do much but muck around due to his plans for our nation being completely useless and backwards. I've got nothing against with the "opposing team" for choosing who they chose, their race, or even some of their convictions. But their reasons for voting, and ignorance and... even some ideals just seem far too much to bear.
We should vote a president in, because we believe in his ideas, because they make sense and they're what's best for us as a nation. Not so that a certain race has a place to set their traveling bags down. That's absurd.
The race issue of his supporters is kind of a disappointment to me. People think we're going to be more color blind than ever, personally, I feel like at this point we could throw progress out the window. Men will look at other men and judge them on who they voted by their skin color, and if their unhappy with the current president that'll create only more degrees of racism. Because our "black president is leading us down the toilet." It has nothing to do with his skin color, just his bad idea. So much for universal peace. So-called Christians "plotting" assassination attempts, and having the nerve to call him the anti-Christ. Holy rollers. It's pathetic, get a life, or better yet a bible.
It's a letdown, absolutely. Let's chalk it up to experience, like all other mistakes.
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| Departure; |
[01 04 08 ] |
I don't do death well. But how does one even deal with death appropriately? That just sounds so obnoxious. But doesn't it always feel like, when there is a death, you're dealing with it wrong? You're not mourning enough, missing enough, calm enough, etc. I've always been pretty solemn about the whole thing. But that's usually because I'm all freaked out inside because the idea is just so big and hard to deal with. But, but, but. Actually it makes me feel sick to my stomach. See you around, even if you never did anything worth missing. And I'm sorry I said that, but it's true. Everyone is making such a big deal. ------------------------------------ The ordinary milkman brought that dawn
Of destiny, delivered to the door
In square hermetic bottles, while the sun
Ruled decree of doomsday on the floor. The morning paper clocked the headline hour
You drank your coffee like original sin,
And at the jet-plane anger of God's roar
Got up to let the suave blue policeman in. Impaled upon a stern angelic stare
You were condemned to serve the legal limit
And burn to death within your neon hell. Now, disciplined in the strict ancestral chair,
You sit, solemn-eyed, about to vomit,
The future an electrode in your skull.
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